I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
