You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He passed out mid-signature
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
