Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
