I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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