You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
