you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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