He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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