when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize