just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize