i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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