I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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