I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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