Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize