Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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