She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
