You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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