he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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