it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
