I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
