I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
