Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
