im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
