i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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