he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
