I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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