Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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