literally had 100 drinks last night.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
