Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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