I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
