If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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