i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm always down for nudity.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
