he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
