It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize