So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
