I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
