ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I touched a dick in church today
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
