you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
