so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
