dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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