I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize