Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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