Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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