I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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