Are we in a gay sports bar?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
