Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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