She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
