2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
