I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
