I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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