her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
