I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
