my phone needs a breathalizer
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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