I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
