Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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