Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
