dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize