I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You were trust falling into bushes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
