I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
