Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
