smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just high enough for therapy.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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