I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize