thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
