You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
