i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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