oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I currently don't understand fingers.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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